Diary of living with a miniature dictator

3am mother has foolishly as rare event left your bed routine to big sister. It is now apparent how infrequently this happens as you are not in your sleeping bag and it’s minus freezey cold and you’ve woken up. That half hour out of the house really seems totally worth it now. You scream for mum mum mum and I look around bleary eyed hoping someone else is lactating. Nope guess you’ll be hanging off me then. 7 hours later. OK it was probably more like 45 minutes. I tell you use time for your bed. You go begrudgingly. Thank goodness. Short lived as hubby accidentally wakes you going to retrieve a panadol. Can’t blame him for being in pain. Repeat further breastfeeding until I feel like I have been savaged by a tiger on Meth. Cue morning. How can I be cross? You are sick with a heavy cold.

8.30am quickly try and put a load of washing on. What could possibly go wrong? Wait… Oh yeah someone’s left the fridge unlocked and in that 30 seconds I shoved the clothes in the washer you got out the butter to eat and smear over the lounge. Clean that up. Ignore the tantrum over not being allowed to eat butter.

8.40 put the baskets of folding on the lounge. Cats start meowing. Resent older daughter who is lying in bed and go check in the fridge for kitten food. Wrestle butter off toddler. No kitten food.

8.50 unlock the pet food cupboard (yes there’s a theme here, all the cupboards have to be locked or risk demolition). Miss Bee decides to help by pulling out as much pet food as she can while saying “Hay food”. Dog hears that food might be an option and gets into the fray.  After lots of distracting and shoving said cats have food and water. Dog regrettably rewarded for persistence with dentastick. Only slightly pre-licked by a toddler.

9 something o’ clock  try to put on my own breakfast. Miss Bee delighted at the prospect of toast grabs her chair to try and operate the toaster. This is amazing… Incredible. She’s doing real work. This is a Montessori moment. A very annoying Montessori moment. Can’t you just go do something and leave me in peace to eat? Please can’t I have 5 seconds? Nope? Oh.. I can? Nope you’ve pulled all your books of the shelf and are now saying Honey repeatedly. I guess you want honey on my toast.

10am finally have toast and well steeped tea. By well steeped I mean it sat until nearly cold while I set up your table and pencils to “draw”. I knew you were keen to draw as while I was getting my toast out you pulled out a huge pile of printer paper to fling over the floor.

Attempting to finally drink tepid tea with cool toast. Nope De nope. Climbs up on me (drawing now abandoned) using me as a human bridge to the CD player. All my lovely song cards are now pulled down with the swiftness of a shape shifter. “Get down!” is responded to with a tantrum and quickly running to the other end of the lounge to snatch up the fish food (knock the folded washing off onto the floor on the way). Nope… Wait… Now she’s back “car…car…car” she’s seen my phone and wants the vehicle sounds app. Nope. OK then she wants the crayon set. They are delicious and she was last rounded up with black lips while I skull my precious now iced tea. Hmm look the snap cards…  I could take those out… NO Miss Bee! (hide the snap cards). Now she’s discovered she can open the fish tank and play in the water. Next thought in her head? Let me get my soft toy to try the water out…

10.43 me praying she’ll sleep today and running off to see what she is destroying now. Oh she’s climbed onto the dining table in that 10 seconds. Should I rephrase? What highly investigative play is she engaging in now?

Shoot… Yep she got the snap cards…I can only see one of twelve pencils and all the crayons are out of the packet.

She’s now tucked up in bed. One small dictator needed “cuddle” and probably feels as trashed as I do after last night’s sleep deprivation.

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